Journal of Ambivalence
by C Colucy
Summary: The journal of A'Hiqa Apew, a young female Twi'lek training to be a doctor in the midst of the Galactic Civil War.


This tale is the result of six weeks of playing Star Wars Galaxies. I would like to thank all of those I met and played with in the Tarquinas Galaxy during the summer of 2006. Special thanks go to the mystery man behind the character of Rieke, without whose creative role-playing none of this would have been possible.

C Colucy  
September 29, 2006

* * *

Few things are as graceful as a female Twi'lek in motion. This beautiful image has forever doomed generations of young Twi'leks into servitude, as the wealthy and corrupt have taken to brandishing Twi'leks as badges of prestige.

_- Star Wars Databank_

**Ryloth System to Imperial Space Station  
****Day 10-35, Relona, 2 ABY**

My name is A-Hiqa Apew. I am a fair-skinned green female Twi'lek, with pale blue markings on my lekku. I was born on Ryloth in 16 BBY. My father, Pedron Apew, was a doctor, but died when I was young, and I was raised by my mother A-Pell Secura Apew.

When my mother died several standard months ago, I immediately left Ryloth on a shuttle for Coruscant to attend medical training like I had always dreamed. I have experienced severe intermittent headaches from about the time my father died, and had always dreamed of being able to help others, and perhaps find a way to help myself. The shuttle I was taking to Coruscant was attacked by Imperials. I ended up recovering on a space station.

The Galactic Civil War was never much of an issue on Ryloth where I grew up, at least not in comparison to daily survival. There was just no time for politics. Of course I heard tales of the rise of the Sith Lords and the Jedi Purge, mostly because one of my cousins was lost in the purge. Her name was Aayla Secura, and although I did not know her, as she was taken as an infant to be a Jedi, I saw holograms of her, and always dreamed of being the great warrior she was.

Although my life has taken a turn, not at all like I expected, in many ways I do feel as though I am fulfilling my destiny... somehow pulled by some unknown force. Only time will tell where I end up.

**  
Tansarii Point Station to Tatooine  
****Day 1, Welona, 2 ABY**

After my shuttle from Ryloth was attacked by Imperials, all those aboard were taken to an Imperial space station. I awoke in the infirmary by a somewhat annoying protocol droid. He did, however, lead me to a Corellian and a Wookiee who allowed me aboard their ship for escape to Tansarii Point Station. I was able to get some work there as a medic and earn enough credits to help the Corellian repair his ship. He was headed to Tatooine so I tagged along.

Mos Eisley, Tatooine was a little overwhelming at first, but there are many Twi'leks here, and they help me to feel more grounded. Two entertainers I met in the Cantina in Mos Eisley are Goza and Eher, with whom I enjoy speaking Ryl. They also introduced me to Mikeaa, who is a very mysterious female and a powerful warrior. I once saw her take out a Stormtrooper with one slash of her double-bladed lightsaber.

I have decided to begin my quest to become a doctor like my father. With the war, I will not be able to have the standard medical training, but training in the field is better in many ways. Still undecided about the politics of the war, I am taking some jobs for the city of Mos Eisley as well as freelance work as a hunter and a mercenary. Most lucrative is my work for a Hutt called Jabba who is evidently very powerful on the world of Tatooine, just judging by the size of his palace, in which I got lost several times.

**  
Tattooine Wilderness  
****Day 7, Welona, 2 ABY**

On a quest in an underground bunker, I met two other beings working together who invited me to loot along with them. They were both human males: a force-sensitive called Lord-Greevon and a medic like me called Elkabon Speedhealer.

Although not as severe as I have experienced in the past, my ever-present headaches continue to be distracting. I have heard there is an excellent medical center on Naboo for such things, but as it is now, I have not the means to travel.

**  
Mos Eisley, Tatooine  
****Day 20, Welona, 2 ABY**

In my days on Tatooine, it has gradually become apparent to me the merciless and dictatorial rule of the Empire. I saw Stormtroopers kill beings for reasons as simple as not getting papers out quickly enough or for being drunk in the Cantina. The more disgusted I get, the more I realize the intricate and convoluted web of criminals, thieves, and thugs, who, although not overtly Imperial, clearly feed the cause. I have started thinking a lot about my cousin Aayla: the values she stood for, and the way she gave her life in support of justice and peace. I even visited a Rebel Recruiter. I was told I had not "proven" my loyalty. I must admit I am starting into a deep depression. The whole thing seems hopeless. As an individual being trying to live out her dream, I am trapped by a dictatorial society. It seems the only way to get what I really need to be a help to the Alliance is to sell out to the Empire. I have never been a fence-sitter.

**  
Near Mos Eisley, Tatooine  
****Day 21, Welona, 2 ABY**

Today I met a rogue Jedi called Marltee Colu. A strong warrior, he is a loner and even when we battle together, there seems to be some separate cause for which he is fighting. He believes strongly in the traditions of selflessness and compassion of the Knights of the Old Republic, but there is something darker, too, that comes out at times. And the clothes he wears... not like any Jedi I have ever seen.

**  
Mos Espa, Tatooine  
****Day 32, Welona, 2 ABY**

How can words even explain Rieke Kemo? I shall try...

I was walking through the town square in Mos Espa on Tatooine. I had a horrible headache, and was considering heading to the cantina there in search of any libation that might ease the pain and clear the cobwebs. In the center of the square stood an magnificent cloaked Zabrak with the most beautiful ice blue tattoos on his face. For a reason I do not understand, I stopped for a moment and he greeted me, and I him. We talked, and I discovered he is a Jedi, wholly dedicated to the Alliance. He seems courageous in his convictions, yet gentle in his tone. I can't explain the impact he had on me. My headache abruptly disappeared. Everything was instantly clear: the reason for the war, my place in it. Inspired by his conviction, I threw caution to the wind, and shared with him my desire to join the Alliance.

At just about that time in the conversation his comrade, Jarrell, walked up (he was human, I believe, but I cannot recall). He overheard my proclamation, and told me to follow him. We went in through the Cantina, to a secret room behind the bar. There, he introduced me to Rebel Flight Trainer who outfitted me with a starship. My career as a Rebel had begun. As you may know, I hate to fly, but perhaps I'll like it as I get better. If not, I am certain the Alliance has a place for me on the ground.

The time had come to say goodbye to Jarrell and Rieke. I was overwhelmed with emotion at my new outlook and clarity of thought, and at meeting beings with such conviction and compassion. I gave Rieke a gentle kiss on the cheek and left the Cantina.

**  
Dune Sea, Tatooine  
****Day 35, Welona, 2 ABY**

As it was, that would not be the last I had heard from Rieke Kemo. This afternoon, Marltee and I were under heat from some Valarian thugs, when in the distance I saw a cloaked figure. I knew immediately it was Rieke. To see him in combat was amazing. I had never seen a Jedi fight with a lightsaber before. It was awe-inspiring. It was as though he knew the moves of his enemies before they did. We made quick work of those thugs.

Marltee had to move on, but I had been in battle for hours, and had the pervasive headache, so I needed a break. Rieke said his house was near and invited me to see it. Being a wanderer, it was hard to imagine anyone having a home, let alone a Jedi. He has a modest little home near the Dune Sea, I believe, north of Wayfar. We sat on his balcony and talked for some time. All I know of the Jedi were stories of the Knights of the Old Republic. This New Order of Jedi is very different. Rieke has a home on Tatooine and is considering another on Naboo; possessions seem not to be an issue. He is very close with the members of his guild; attachment seems to not be an issue. He was somewhat critical of the Knights of the Old Republic, even stating he felt their strict adherence to tradition was what got us all here, to which I got a little defensive, and although it was difficult, I told him about my cousin. He sensed my feelings, and we agreed to avoid the topic of politics.

Being with him is amazing. He is so very kind. It seems as though his very presence soothes my innermost pain, both physical and otherwise. He told me I was welcome to come to his home any time, and left my information in the structure management terminal. I got the feeling he is offworld a lot, and I hope to be sent to Naboo soon. Who knows if I will see him again?

**  
Mos Eisley, Tatooine  
****Day 6, Elona, 3 ABY**

Several standard days ago I received a grave warning from Elkabon Speedhealer. He said a man called Vysrol who had been his friend had turned to the Empire and now wanted him dead. Several other enemies were revealed including a being called Co'Tor. Elkabon and I met briefly last night in Mos Eisley before I left for Naboo, and he admitted he has what seems to be a death mark on his head from an Imperial Guild called STORM. They are also after the Twi'lek Elkabon works with, but thankfully they do not know my name.

I immediately sent a message to Rieke and told him that in light of recent events that we should not see each other again. It is probably for the best. There is a part of my being that Rieke has awakened. When I am alone and it is quiet, I think of what it might be like to settle down in some remote area of a planet like Naboo or Corellia and forget about this damned war. But then logic prevails and I realize everything is about this damned war. The Rebellion needs Rieke, and I cannot interfere with that by putting his safety at risk. So, Elkabon will meet me on Naboo in several standard days, and we will continue on our little corner of the fight, and I will do my best to forget about Rieke.

**  
Dune Sea, Tatooine  
****Day 7, Elona, 3 ABY**

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose."  
-Yoda

Yesterday I was on an errand for Jabba the Hutt and happened within about 100m of Rieke's house. Something told me he would not be there, so I stopped in. It made me melancholy just being where he had been, among his things, but it was at the same time, calming. I sat on his balcony for a few minutes thinking about how we rarely know the most important moments of our lives are happening while they are happening. I wonder why that is. Perhaps if we were constantly aware of the import of events we would be overwhelmed. I know as a warrior, that is certainly the way that it is. You have to go by instinct, and not think too much. The moment you do, you are killed.

I truly understand the tradition of the Knights of the Old Republic of no attachments, especially in war. Emotion is a distraction… a distraction that I choose to control.

**  
Mos Eisley, Tatooine  
****Day 7, Elona, 3 ABY**

I forgot to mention that Elkabon has been dropping hints to me about joining this guild, ORA, for protection. He told me to contact a being called Ric-Tal. My thinking is changing and I feel it may be prudent to make such a connection. We will see.

**  
Near Kaadara, Naboo to Dantooine Wilderness  
****Day 10, Elona, 3 ABY**

It wasn't long before Elkabon made it to Naboo. We agreed to partner up, and went on our first job as a team. We ran into some very strange and rude Jedi, and Elkabon wanted to duel them. I can tell it will be tasking for me to help him keep his temper under control; we seem to be amassing enemies because he can't. But this is the path I must follow. We don't always know the reasons for the direction our lives go, sometimes we just have to go along.

After finishing the job, Elkabon and I discussed this ORA guild he was recommending. He had done some further research and as it turns out that guild is quite unstable. Ironically, in the town square in Kaadara, we also overheard a conversation of some others talking about ORA in a negative light. Elkabon had been introduced to OotJ (Order of the Jedi), another guild. I have stopped asking questions.

As we were standing in the square, discussing our options, the recruiter from OotJ came up, a being called Commlink. He was in full armor, his right arm replaced by a cyber-arm. We stood waiting for hours it seemed as he commed his comrades to see if we might be accepted. We made arrangements to meet him later at the cantina.

Oh, my, the cantina in Kaadara is galaxies different from the cantina in Mos Eisley. We were practically alone and there were not even any entertainers. So we stood around dueling with fists (I won) until the recruiter returned. He told us to follow him... he would take us to the guild hall... which is on Dantooine! Please remember, I have only been on Ryloth and Tatooine, and now Naboo and Dantooine in a matter of a few standard days.

First we went to Kaadara spaceport, where Elkabon and the recruiter left me behind because my ship was stored in Theed. So I had to take a shuttle to Theed, pick up my ship and meet them in Dantooine Mining Camp. What a gundark pit! As a matter of fact, everything on Dantooine is so remote and bizarre to me. It seems as soon as I stepped off my ship my headache returned.

The recruiter then instructed me to take my pick-up ship to Centuri-Prime, where we rendezvoused again, and I was instructed to follow a waypoint to someone called Lachlann. By this time, Elkabon had gotten lost, but I was determined to see this through, having come so far. I got on my swoop-bike and followed the waypoint. I had a strange feeling about Dantooine. It is a planet with much beauty, but also something dark and sinister in the air. I cannot explain it. Just a feeling I had.

By now, night had settled in, and as I was traveling the 2000m to the guild hall the most amazing thing happened... it began to rain, storm, actually. I have only seen rain once before. It was soothing and comforting, as my emotions were tumultuous as I neared the guild hall. What if it was a trap? What if it was all a trick? Could I trust Elkabon? This recruiter? And who was this mysterious Lachlann? My head pounded.

I was distracted by the storm and by my thoughts as I approached the guild hall, and I was not cautious enough. I was not armed, nor did I have on any armor. Lachlann came out to meet me... an impressive figure of great stature and in full armor. A moment later I was attacked from behind and killed.

I awoke in the cloning facility in the mining camp. I was disoriented and clone-sick, wondering if it had all been a dream. I wandered around a bit, sold some things to a junk dealer and got my bearings. I was tempted to forget the whole thing, go back to Naboo where it was relatively safe. Where was Elkabon? Should I attempt this journey alone? The thought of Rieke entered my mind, and suddenly it was all clear. I made the convoluted trip back to the OotJ outpost.

I commed Lachlann and advised him I was making my way back. He advised me he killed the creatures that had killed me... he had not known they would be there. Could that all have been a test? The storm, the creatures? A test to see if I would return? If so, I was determined to pass the test.

The storm had stopped as I arrived back at the outpost. This time I circled the area, determined not to be careless twice. The area seemed clear, and I entered the guild hall. Upon entering, I was met with a large open area, with two rancor chained at either end. I had seen the rancor at Jabba's palace. I was not very thrilled to be in such close proximity to such a creature again.

I removed my armor, and as I finished, a very tall, cloaked, pale, human introduced himself as Lachlann Cleary. A Jedi Master and Master Pilot! Although I tried my best to remain calm, to be in the presence of such greatness was quite intimidating. He asked me about my background, and I told him about my cousin, and my dislike for the Empire. He seemed impressed by my interest in medicine, and even though they have no medical school, he assured me they could teach me to heal using the Force. Imagine that... me being trained by Jedi!

Lachlann then invited me to join the Order of the Jedi. He said I would be a good fit. I asked him why, and he said simply that I was Twi'lek through and through, and a true Rebel.

I accepted induction, bowed low, to which he kowtowed in return. He said we would meet again. By the time I made my way back to the mining camp via Centuri-Prime and back into my starship, I put her on autopilot and fell into a deep sleep. I didn't even wake up when I made the jump to hyperspace.

When I returned to Naboo, I landed in Keren, thinking that would be the most likely spot to rendezvous with Elkabon. I thought it would now be a good opportunity to stop into the medical center. The droid there could find no physiological reason for my headaches.

I wandered back to the square outside the starport, and checked my comm. I had a message from Rieke. He said he wanted to honor my wishes, for the two of us not to meet again. I certainly expected nothing else, but still a part of me was disappointed. A part of me wanted him to come for me and take me away from this war. But my sense of duty prevailed, and I pushed those thoughts out of my mind.

**  
Near Theed, Naboo  
****Day 12, Elona, 3 ABY**

I have learned a terrible truth about Elkabon. He is not at all what he appeared to be. It is with a heavy heart that I must dissolve our partnership.

This is just another example of how these attachments cause suffering. It seems there is no one in the galaxy a being can trust but herself.

**  
Near Zilk Brotherhood, Lok  
****Day 15, Elona, 3 ABY**

I went to Lok to talk to Elkabon. I assured him his dark secret was safe with me, but that we could not partner together any longer. I think his reaction was first of disbelief, then of anger. He is truly a valiant warrior, and true to me, and it was difficult for me to walk away from such a beneficial arrangement.

**  
Mos Eisley, Tatooine  
****Day 16, Elona, 3 ABY**

I returned to Tatooine to continue looking for a shipwright to develop some plans for a new fighter. I discovered there is a shop on Naboo that will serve my purposes. I also need to seriously consider building a home... I cannot continue to keep sleeping in my ship, in public squares or on Rieke's balcony. I am waiting to hear back from Master Lachlann about a house I was supposed to receive to place on Lok or Dantooine.

**  
Near Theed, Naboo  
****Day 19, Elona, 3 ABY**

I attempted a job alone yesterday in the late afternoon on Naboo and was killed. I can't do this alone, this I know. I have to learn to trust others, to believe that even though Elkabon's secret has been revealed to me, and that could potentially put me in danger, I do believe he is of a true heart. I could not find him anywhere in the galaxy, so I left him a message that we could continue if he wanted. I have heard nothing yet.

**  
Keren, Naboo  
****Day 20, Elona, 3 ABY**

Recovering from cloning sickness in Keren, and having received one more unsuccessful treatment for my headaches, I decided to do some sightseeing and try to sell some of my loot to a junk dealer. Keren is the most beautiful city. There is a river that curves through the city with enchanting waterfalls at either end. Avoiding the Imperial Stormtroopers, I spent some time thinking atop the highest waterfall. I decided to make my way into the bazaar to try to unload some things I've been carrying around. I was given the cursory search by an Imperial Stormtrooper, which seems to happen often on Naboo, but never results in anything. Just as I was finishing up on the bazaar terminal, someone came up behind me and covered my eyes. Before I even had time to reach for my blaster, I whirled around to see Rieke grinning at me.

My heart leapt, but I tried to appear casual. His mere presence was simultaneously exhilarating and soothing. He was in his typical dark robe, but not cloaked, and I saw for the first time his Zabrak vestigial horns. As I am not at all familiar with the varying Iridonian sub-species, I could glean nothing from the pattern of his horns. Also for the first time, I could clearly see the blue tattoos that decorated the center of his face. He told me had been busy flying and in combat. He was hoping to promote to one step closer to Padawan. After that would be Jedi Knight, then Master. He seems so wise and centered, I was surprised to discover he is just a Padawan.

Realizing we were still in the bazaar, and being in the beautiful city of Keren, we opted for a more picturesque view. We went to a hill by the river from which we could see the falls in the distance, but still be protected from attack by the giant stone walls of a nearby building. The sun was setting, and but for the occasional being in armor happening by, one could easily forget their was a war going on.

It was there on the river bank we spent the night talking. Our conversation again drifted to the topic of the code of the Knights of the Old Republic. I was interested to hear him say that he had begun to change his thinking about such things as possession and attachment. I asked him what changed his mind, and he said he met someone. For a moment my heart, sank, but I shook off the feeling of dread, knowing it was ridiculous. A Jedi may be ambivalent about the downfall of possessions, but most certainly will never be possessed. I asked him to elaborate on the conversation he had with this being and he smiled. "You should know," he said, "you were there."

As dawn neared, I felt a sadness knowing it would soon be over. I had vowed never again to let these moments go unnoticed, and it was difficult parting knowing we may never see each other again. I told him, "I hate for this to end, for once it's over, it's gone forever." I think he understood, and I can only surmise as to whether or not he felt the same.

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 25, Elona, 3 ABY**

After getting killed one more time in an underground bunker, I decided to take Rieke's advice and start thinking about putting up a house. I knew some locations on Naboo of Rebel Outposts, and after studying the map, decided to check out a collection of Rebel dwellings in the north on the Paonga Sea.

As it turns out, just north of the Rebel outpost is the small hamlet of Atica, Naboo, right on the coast. I immediately knew this was to be my home, so I went to the city hall to get the information I needed to contact the mayor.

**  
Tatoo Space  
****Day 26, Elona, 3 ABY**

I was finally certified to move up in pilot class, so I went out and purchased a Y-Wing chassis. I then used mostly components from my Headhunter (although I did buy a booster on Tattoine) to complete my ship.

As it is, I will continue to fly Rebel missions as well as do jobs for the Naboo Royal Security Force.

Elkabon has been missing again, so until he materializes, I won't be taking any combat missions.

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 29, Elona, 3 ABY**

Finally! I was able to reach Ve-tus Animo regarding zoning rights in Atica. He met me on the steps of the city hall, an impressive character in commando armor riding a vractyl (bless those creatures but the sound they make is so annoying). He asked me all of the expected questions, clearly trying to establish my loyalty to the Rebellion. I believe he was satisfied.

Ve-tus was formerly an Imperial, until he saw the "evil of their ways" as he put it. He is also a former Jedi, who felt he could better serve the Rebellion as a commando. I respect his decision, and sometimes I myself wonder about the Jedi Order in general. Being disenchanted myself with the rather huge Order of the Jedi which I have supposedly dedicated myself, I could understand where his point of view. He said he left his former guild and started his own because he wanted to offer a place for beings in the Rebellion to feel like they were not alone. He expressed his desire for me to join their guild. I told him I would consider it. I am not sure I should throw away so readily something for which so many fight.

Ve-tus not only granted me zoning rights, but offered me a deed as well. I declined, as I had my deed for a small Naboo house in hand, given to me by a guild member Elkabon had befriended called Pius Proditor. I immediately began construction. To my surprise, it was not the small round house I expected, but the larger, two-lot Naboo house. I selected a lot near the city hall and as close to the beach as I could. Then I was off to find some furniture. Believe it or not, I could not find much on Naboo. Unfortunately, I think I will have to go offworld.

**  
Theed, Naboo  
****Day 32, Elona, 3 ABY**

My partner has finally returned. I don't know where he was, because it is not in the nature of our relationship to ask, but I am glad he's back. We immediately resumed our work for the Naboo RSF. One more time into the Mauler bunker, then a quick flying job for Elkabon, and we were finished with work for Captain Typho. Next, there was some work to do for Pooja Naberrie, the Senator from Naboo. I am not clear of the politics of the Naboo, as it appears to me that the queen sits on the fence regarding the war, but Senator Naberrie is a lovely young woman who really just needed some help with some terrorists in the city of Theed.

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 32, Elona, 3 ABY**

After a successful mission, Elk and I headed back to my house so he could show me the nuances of furniture placement. I only had two pieces... a bed and a divan. Just as we were discussing the divan, there came a knock at the door. I assumed it was some other resident of the hamlet here to welcome me, but to my great surprise it was Rieke, looking stunning in a pale robe, and his usual Zabrak attire.

There was a brief introduction between Rieke and Elkabon, then Elk made his exit. Rieke commented on how my house needed something on the walls. I laughed. My house needs something PERIOD.

Then I showed him the beach. He marveled at its beauty for a long moment before he said "Your beach has water." I laughed... his "beach" is on the Dune Sea on Tatooine. I had dreamed of sharing this moment with Rieke here on this beach. My emotions were actually something approaching... happiness. But then with any glimpse of that fleeting bird comes guilt. When so many suffer under the tyranny of the Empire, how DARE I be happy?

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 33, Elona, 3 ABY**

I spent most of the day working on my house. Rieke was right, having a house keeps me grounded. I was moving furniture around when I got a message from Pius Proditor. He is not someone I expected to hear from again. He wanted to share with me that he had just been granted the rank just below Jedi Master by fighting in Restuss, and would be granted the rank of Master as soon as he completes his trials.

Pius stopped by to see the house. He is very kind, contrary to anyone else I have met from OotJ, and offered help if Elkabon and I ever need it. I will certainly keep that in mind... it never hurts to have a Jedi Master around.

**  
Dune Sea, Tatooine  
****Tapani Day, 3 ABY**

I was drawn to him, I couldn't stop, to Corellia, then Tattoine. I saw he was at the Dune Sea Fortress and I knew he was going home.

"Upstairs or down," I called when I entered his house on Tatooine.

"In my office," he replied without speaking. Jedi.

He did seem surprised to see me. I quickly holstered my gun and took off my helmet.

"My turn." I said.

"Well, I was just coming home to sleep," he said. I've pushed it too far, I thought, I've crossed that invisible line, the one that separates whimsy from destiny.

"So sorry," I replied, turning to leave.

"Wait," he said. I stopped. "I've added some weapons to my collection, if you want to stop on your way out. I did not.

I was drawn to him, I couldn't stop, to Corellia, then Tattoine. I saw he was at the Dune Sea Fortress and I knew he was going home.

"Upstairs or down," I called when I entered his house on Tatooine.

"In my office," he replied without speaking. Jedi.

He did seem surprised to see me. I quickly holstered my gun and took off my helmet.

"My turn." I said.

"Well, I was just coming home to sleep," he said. I've pushed it too far, I thought, I've crossed that invisible line, the one that separates whimsy from destiny.

"So sorry," I replied, turning to leave.

"Wait," he said. I stopped. "I've added some weapons to my collection, if you want to stop on your way out. I did not.

I was drawn to him, I couldn't stop, to Corellia, then Tattoine. I saw he was at the Dune Sea Fortress and I knew he was going home.

"Upstairs or down," I called when I entered his house on Tatooine.

"In my office," he replied without speaking. Jedi.

He did seem surprised to see me. I quickly holstered my gun and took off my helmet.

"My turn." I said.

"Well, I was just coming home to sleep," he said. I've pushed it too far, I thought, I've crossed that invisible line, the one that separates whimsy from destiny.

"So sorry," I replied, turning to leave.

"Wait," he said. I stopped. "I've added some weapons to my collection, if you want to stop on your way out." I did not.

**  
Mos Eisley, Tatooine to Dune Sea, Tatooine  
****Tapani Day, 3 ABY**

You know what they say, you can't come to Tatooine without a stop at the Mos Eisley Cantina, and that is certainly true for me. I had a horrible headache and felt ridiculous. Wallowing in self-pity as I tend to do, I headed for the Hovel of Villainy to lick my wounds. It was a particularly busy night. Some trouble-makers were dueling and some others were hassling the Imperial Stormtroopers, and one of the citizens I had to resurrect.

Wanting to take a relatively a quiet moment to reflect on my grave error with Rieke, I got a cup of Jawa juice from the bar, went into one of the side alcoves, and, to my surprise, there he was.

It was difficult to talk in the Cantina, as you would assume, and we decided to go back to his house. We settled on his balcony. It was a beautiful night on Tatooine… stars above and the moons shining brightly. I recall that for the first time in my presence he removed his cloak to reveal his the typical Zabrak ceremonial garb, which consists of a long kilt and tight-fitting shirt. At the sight of his sculpted chest and strong arms my lekku had a mind of their own, and I tried to contain them, and told him as much, by way of flattery.

"You said you knew a Jedi who became a commando," Rieke said.

"Yes…"

"Was serving the Rebellion his only motive?"

"I didn't ask. Why?"

"Just curious." He had a distant look on his face.

"You wouldn't consider leaving the order?" I asked, surprised.

Rieke turned to stare at a bantha in the distance. "Not right now."

"Not right now?"

"One of our leaders on the council left… it was quite a surprise, but he no longer felt the Order was headed in the right direction."

"What would you do if you weren't a Jedi?" I asked.

"Well I would try a profession that uses long-range combat."

"My question had double meaning, you know," I teased.

"I suppose if I weren't a Jedi," he replied, thoughtfully, "I'd be a little freer with my feelings. I wouldn't have to worry about how my feelings affect my path."

"So you really suppress your emotions, not hide them?"

"There's more than a semantic difference?" He asked.

"Of course," I replied. "Either you don't feel anything, which I refuse to believe, or you don't admit the feelings you have to yourself or other… interested parties."

After a thoughtful pause, "I agree."

"So which is it?"

We had been leaning on the edge of the balcony, watching the bantha lowing in the distance. Rieke turned to look me in the eyes. "I would suppose I am just hiding them."

"Okay, so then theoretically, that's what got Anakin Skywalker into trouble."

Rieke nodded. "Yes, that could be said."

"Which, I would assume, is why your new Jedi Order allows love, marriage…?"

Rieke nodded again, "yes."

I smirked at him. "So I have you then, don't I?"

"You could say that, too," he replied with a wink. I smiled at him. He took me in his arms and held me close. Being so close to him, to be held by him, made me feel weak. I could feel his light, it radiated from him.

"I tried to forget you, I really did," I whispered into his shoulder, "it didn't work. I mean look at us."

"We do always seem to turn up with each other."

"Yes, so what's the point, maybe it isn't even up to us anyway."

I stepped back and looked into his crystal-blue eyes. "Rieke…what are we going to do about this?"

"Well," he responded, "if we are both comfortable being with each other, it's probably not a bad thing. And if you like that I'm a Jedi, I like that you're a medic."

"But I hate that you're a Jedi, and I hate that I'm a medic and I hate that we're both Rebels." I turned away, then added, in Lekku language, "If we weren't, I'd like to think we'd be on Naboo with little Zabrak/Twi'leks running around."

Rieke frowned, "I don't understand your body language... "

"Never mind," I replied, again in Basic.

"I thought you liked being a medic."

"I like helping people."

"Then we share the same values, Jedi, medic, Rebellion, it doesn't matter."

"Are we really serving the Rebellion, though," I asked, "running off to see each other every chance?"

"Then we can spend time serving the Rebellion together." Then after a moment, "Do you feel you'd better serve the Rebellion not seeing me?"

"I feel guilty about being happy while so many others suffer and die…and I'm happy with you."

"Being happy does not mean you don't care about the suffering of others. In my experience, it's always best to achieve as much balance as you can."

The twin suns began to set. Rieke and I stood side-by-side on the balcony, watching the glorious colors splash across the Tatooine sky. He bumped up against my shoulder with his for emphasis. "I don't regret the time I've spent with you…I'd never consider it wasted time."

"I'm glad to hear that. And I suppose I'll be miserable enough when you go to Restuss."

"When I get to Restuss," he looked again to the suns, "I'll actually have something I believe in fighting for…not just the anonymous Cause."

"I know, but the thought of you not coming back…selfish, I know."

"No… it's okay, I'll be coming back," he assured me.

I turned to look at him again, "Beings are killed every day, Rieke, even Jedi."

"True, but maybe some day you'll get to live in a galaxy without this war."

"That's why we are all doing this, we all want to believe that. But it's hard to see past tomorrow."

"Given our troubled times, I'm glad we found a little happiness with each other."

He gently kissed my hand.

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 3, Kelona, 3 ABY**

It was night on Naboo. I was feeling frustrated and incomplete. A trip to Restuss with the guild being postponed left me feeling empty, the mistakes made in the field today left me feeling useless. The one being I needed, Rieke, was nowhere to be found. I showered and changed, which seemed to help. On Tatooine I had purchased a 'Restuss' candle, which I will continue to burn until the battle has ended and my Rieke is safe. I set it on a stand I had looted from the Mummers, and turned around to find Rieke standing there.

My heart leapt with joy. "Hello, beautiful," he said, and I melted into his arms. He held me for a long moment. He gave me a gentle kiss, and I responded with a deeper, more desperate version. I needed him... I needed him to take away the day, the war... I didn't care that he was a Jedi, I needed him, all of him... now... but... something wasn't right.

"Rie'kemo," I said, using the Ryl formation of his name I had taken to calling him "what is it?"

"I feel like I've stalled in my training."

I backed away. "Is there, perhaps, something causing you to lose focus?"

"No, not at all," he said. "I've finished the early stage of training and feel there is little direction or guidance. I must seek a Master."

I nodded, but I didn't believe that was the whole truth. I walked to the window, gazing out to the sea. "Have you told Jarrell about us?" I asked, turning back toward him.

"I haven't seen Jarrell in many days."

"I see," I responded.

"I certainly will tell him when I see him again."

I nodded, and turned back toward the window. He came up behind me and put his arms around me. His touch made me weak, I was helpless, my passion was painful. He took me by the shoulders, and turned me to face him. He kissed my neck, and I collapsed into him, feeling his passion. His mouth found mine and our tongues tangled. I caressed his muscular shoulders... neck... then my fingers fondled one of the horns on the back of his head. He moaned, and stared into my eyes.

"You can't tell me this isn't a distraction," I whispered.

"No," he replied, "it helps me focus."

"Liar," I teased.

"Jedi don't lie," he backed away and feigned a serious look. "But it's true, every moment we spend together prepares me for what's out there."

"Rieke," I said, "it's a dangerous line we walk."

"It's true," he replied, looking away.

I was suddenly very tired, and my head throbbed. "I think I need to sleep," I said, walking to the bedroom.

"I would like to join you... " he said, following.

"I can think of no place I'd rather be than in your arms." And that is how we passed the night, wrapped up in one another. For the first time in my life, here on the coast on Naboo, here in Rieke's arms, I felt safe. And that, more than anything else I had seen in the standard months since I left Ryloth, frightened me.

**  
Theed, Naboo to Atica, Naboo  
****Day 6, Kelona, 3 ABY**

I would not have recognized Marltee Colu. He was much thinner than standard months ago when we first met, and he had shaved his long hair into twin stripes of long braids. His strength in combat had doubled, and he made the most imposing warrior.

We ran into each other in Theed, and he was headed out to the same bunker as I was. I am trying to get as far in combat experience as I can... the grind of legacy training is getting to me and I am beginning to feel disenchanted. I thought a promotion would do me some good as far as morale, but I was having trouble making any progress alone. Not to mention, the ubiquitous headache seemed stronger than ever on that particular day.

Marltee and I made a great team. Since he does not have the power to resurrect the way Elkabon does, I hung behind him. He has powerful Jedi skills, and together with my long-range combat experience we made quick work of our tasks, trouble only coming, when focus was lost.

When we were both combat weary, we found ourselves north of Theed, so I invited him to see my house. There are certain beings who seem out of place indoors, and Marltee is one of them. He just seems too large for any structure he occupies.

We walked down to the beach, and as most beings are, he was impressed but how serene it is, and the sea's meditative quality. He said it reminded him of a peaceful place he knew as a youngling, but that was peaceful no more.

I cannot say with certainty that I know Rieke intimately, but I feel like I understand his thinking and how it is a reflection of his training. When Rieke waxes philosophical, he often appears only to be repeating by rote something he was taught from a young age. The unease I feel at such declarations may come from my own feeling that they do not come from his true heart, and I cannot ascertain what his true heart believes. Marltee could be no more opposite.

Lacking any formal training, and although he will not call himself a Jedi, his control of his feelings and the Force are exceptional. He seems to take the idea of the old Jedi code to an extreme, preferring the isolationist ideal, and striking a balance between passion and centered calm. When I asked if he ever got lonely, he did not even understand the question.

Marltee claims my hatred for the Empire makes me reckless. He believes in order to be a warrior one must be able to suppress love and hate. I told him I am not a warrior then, because, I have the capacity for both. Then he asked me an interesting question. He asked if I had to choose between killing the Emperor and saving someone I love, which would I choose?

"Kill the Emperor," I said, without hesitation.

"Why?" he queried.

"Because," I replied, "that is what the one I love would want me to do."

"Excellent, then you could suppress either."

**  
Darkwalker Cave, Near Theed, Naboo  
****Day 9, Kelona, 3 ABY**

Elkabon has disappeared again. I am beginning to suspect he is starting to have doubts about the whole war. I partnered again with Marltee today, which seems to be mutually beneficial as well. However, we were pretty deep into a cave, and suddenly there was my beautiful Zabrak Jedi. I wanted nothing more than to be held by him, and I commend myself on keeping focus on combat. Watching him fight was amazing. A quick flash of his sapphire double-bladed lightsaber made quick work of the enemy.

I experienced something in that cave that day that I had not before. I have mentioned the headaches I have, but this day it was different, and rather disturbing. As usual, there was pain, but I have trained myself to ignore the pain. This day, I felt almost as though my head were going to explode, the pressure, the pulling was so intense. At several points, I had to stop and steady myself in order to not lose consciousness. Rieke was with me at one of those times, and his face showed look of slight concern, but Marltee seemed not to notice.

When the job was complete, I was finally able to introduce Marltee and Rieke. Although they jabbered on about Jedi business, I sensed some amount of tension. Marltee is so guarded and mysterious, it is difficult to tell where the tension came from, but I am certain it did not come from Rieke.

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 9, Kelona, 3 ABY**

Once the group disbanded, and Marltee had gone his own way, I was exhausted and wanted simply to melt into Rieke's arms, but we were in the middle of Theed. We decided to go to Atica, since it's onworld. It seemed to take an eternity to get there.

Once at home, to finally be held by Rieke, to finally be able to touch him and kiss him, after such a long time apart was such a release, and my headache subsided. I gave him the schematic I had been saving for him, for a weapon rack. To my surprise, he gave me a beautiful pale blue gown, lekku wrap, shoes, and an emerald necklace. I have no idea where I would wear such extravagant clothing, surely designed for royalty. Perhaps only for Rieke.

One thing became certain to me as we talked and held one another... I am afraid I am in love with him. Not since when my parents were alive have I had this fear of loss. I certainly do not want to lose him, but I feel my own life now to be more precious to me because of its connection to Rieke's. When I left Ryloth, having lost both my parents, and being utterly alone, I had the feeling my life was beholden to no one, and I thought that made me courageous. Now I see it only made me reckless. I have to admit Rieke is right, our connection can only make us stronger, not weaker.

I have to be honest now and say that I had intended to leave him. Until yesterday, I felt if I left him he would be able to focus more on his training, become a stronger Jedi. Now I realize I was wrong. I can live without him, and am painfully aware that I may have to, but I certainly don't want to. The passion and desire in his blue eyes tells me he feels the same. I felt if we did not cross that invisible line and become lovers, that pain could be avoided, but another line was crossed, perhaps even long before we met, that makes that pain inevitable. Something controls this, and it certainly is not me, so I must stop fighting. Perhaps it is my Twi'lek nature, but I must, and shall certainly try.

**  
Mos Eisley, Tatooine  
****Day 10, Kelona, 3 ABY**

In Mos Eisley on personal business today, I was heading back to the starport and the common area was unusually crowded with beings. I stopped to watch some high-level Jedi and some Commandos dueling. Standing there not five minutes, I was challenged to a duel by a young force-sensitive called Cakmon, who was just about my combat level. I reluctantly accepted, and he asked for no death-blow and I agreed. I incapacitated him handily (which still comes as a surprise to me when that happens) and as soon as he revived, he jumped up, and ran out of site. I un-targeted him, and turned back toward the starport. Moments later, I received a deathblow from behind. I was livid. From the cloning facility I commed him that I had powerful friends and he would be sorry for cheating.

While still in the cloning facility, I received a comm from Pius…I had not seen him in ages, or heard from him. He listened to my story, and wanted to take a bounty out on Cakmon. In my anger, I agreed.

I am beginning to think there may be ulterior motives to Pius's intentions. That is not to say he is not a kind and generous being, but he has begun to drop hints. We had a very personal conversation via comm one afternoon as I waited for Marltee in deserted Theed Palace. He opened up quite a bit…telling me about his desire to be married…yet he has not found the right being. He had been in a relationship and she turned Imperial, so I suspect he is only feeling needy, although as I write these words, I find it strange to be saying that about someone who will soon be a Jedi Knight and some day a Master. The vulnerability Pius shows to me is touching, though.

I am starting to wonder about this power I seem to have over the male beings that I meet, male humans, come to think of it. Perhaps it is that there are so few female beings who are not entertainers. Perhaps there is truth to the myth of the female Twi'lek wiles. I do feel an innate tendency to utilize the effect to my advantage. Is that evil? Would that be the equivalent to Rieke exploiting the Force, as he and I had discussed before?

**  
Mos Eisley, Tatooine  
****Day 10, Kelona, 3 ABY**

Late in the day, near dusk in Theed, Elkabon and I were talking on the steps of the palace and a young human female Padawan challenged him to a duel. It was a close fight, but Elkabon won. Later in the evening, I was returning to the palace alone and the same Padawan challenged me. I agreed, and very nearly defeated her, when her droid killed me with two blows. What does it take to get a fair fight in this blasted galaxy?

**  
Dune Sea, Tatooine  
****Day 12, Kelona, 3 ABY**

I was determined not to allow myself to miss another opportunity to allow myself happiness with Rieke. I was not disappointed. One hot night on Tattoine we gave each other the gift of our bodies and our souls for the first, and as it turns out, perhaps the last time.

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 13, Kelona, 3 ABY**

I just received an urgent holomessage from my uncle Ar'dent Apell, and it has turned my world upside down. Four Jedi Knights, including Tyneir Renz, brought a token to the Rebel base on Derora in an attempt to persuade Ryloth to join the Alliance. Renz presented the crystal skull of Twi'lek Jedi New'arforrth to the Nercathi clan. The Nercathis are asking that all warriors native to Ryloth return home to be prepared for defense, as they agree to join the Alliance. The timing is terrible but only shows again my lack of control over my own destiny. With Rieke, the battle at Restuss coming to a close, and so many things happening in the core galaxy I am broken-hearted to leave. But my home planet needs me.

In addition, the medical droid in Keren has said I have no choice but to go to Polis Massa for treatment for my headaches, and I will stop there on my way home.

I have no idea how long I will be gone, and cannot be certain if I will survive to return. I know the war won't wait for me, and I cannot expect Rieke to either, though I can only hope.

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 14, Kelona, 3 ABY**

At small cost, I bought one more night on Naboo, hoping that I would be able to find Rieke to tell him goodbye. He found me first. By the time I could even send him a comm he was in Keren. I changed quickly to the gown and lekku wrap he had given me, and, of course, the emerald necklace, and headed down to the beach.

I didn't have to wait long. When I saw Rieke walking across the beach, I was amazed again at how strongly I am drawn to this being, how soothing he is to my spirit. I can't explain it any better than this... to be with him isn't enough... I want to crawl inside him, be him. That sounds crazy now that I write it, but that seems to be how I feel.

He was so quiet... I was afraid he was hurt, or angry. He told me, though, it was too difficult for him to say goodbye. He thanked me. He thanked me. He's changed my entire life. If I die tomorrow fighting on Ryloth, having known him, talked to him, made love to him, has made my tiny existence in this galaxy worthwhile.

Suddenly it started pouring down rain. We ran to the house, but still got soaking wet. He took off his wet shirt, and at the sight of his sculpted chest made me weak. My lekku buzzed. He walked to me, and without a word, removed my wet gown. He just stood there for a moment, staring into my eyes. Then, as he moved closer, I could feel his energy, feel his touch before he even reached out his hand, feel his kiss before his lips even touched mine. Finally, his hands touched my body and I sank into him. His tongue gently parted my lips and explored my mouth.

He made love to me there on the divan in my living room. Not the furious, hurried, passionate love we shared on Tattooine, but slow, gentle and sorrowful. As if he was savoring every moment, to remember forever.

That is how we said goodbye. Wordlessly, with our bodies and souls. I vowed silently to him I would return, and I know he heard me.

**  
Near Derora, Ryloth  
****Day 15, Kelona – Day 8, Selona, 3 ABY**

I guided my ship out of the night side of Ryloth, and caught sight of the twilight. I thought back to the day I left, thinking at the time that I was going to Coruscant for medical training, only to be plunged unawares into the Galactic Civil War. I could hardly believe the things that had happened to me in the six standard months since I left, and the beings I had met…Elkabon, Marltee, Pius, Cries, and especially Rieke. The thought of Rieke caused a sharp pain in my chest, but I pushed it aside… I was here for a reason.

I had not known how to fly when I left, and as I guided my Y-Wing into the large open area that served as a starport, I thought about what my clan must think. Would they be surprised to see me? Would they be surprised I was essentially a soldier, and not a doctor as I had planned? I did not have long to wait in order to find out.

"A-Hiqa!" my Uncle Ar'dent called from an alcove in the stone as I descended from my ship. A young man, only 8 years my senior, Ar'dent Apell was my father's youngest brother. His skin tone was green, like most Apells, but a much deeper hue than my own, mine having been washed out by the bluer tones of the Securas, my mother's side of the family.

The Twi'lek wrapped his arms around me in a big Wookiee hug. I squeezed him back. He had always been my favorite uncle.

"We're so proud of you, he said in Ryl, and so pleased you are safe," he guided me by the arm toward the alcove from which he had come, "although a bit thinner than when we last saw you." It was true, I thought, I must be a sight in my orange Rebel flight suit. I had my lekku wrapped back, as I always do whenever I fly, and wore my heavy black Thranta boots. I laughed to myself, thinking it was good I hadn't arrived in full armor with my heat-resistant helmet.

"They're all waiting for you," Uncle Ar'dent said as he ushered me through a series of tunnels, each going gradually deeper into the planet. How interesting that in such a short time I had become accustomed to the wide-open feeling of the sea on Naboo, and was already beginning to feel a little claustrophobic.

We turned a corner and entered a larger cavern that apparently served as a meeting hall. "A-Hiqa, this is the Rebel forward outpost on Ryloth, and these are the leaders of the Rebellion," my uncle said, which was the extent of the introduction. I recognized some of the Twi'leks in the room as Apells, a Secura or two, some as Nercathis, the clan that presently ruled Ryloth.

"May I have your attention, please…" an attractive male spoke in Ryl, his arms in the air. The other Twi'leks stopped their discussions to listen intently to the brownish-red being. As he went on, it became clear to me this was a meeting of military strategy. The being who spoke emanated charisma, and every being in the room gave him rapt attention. "As you all know," he continued, we expect the Holonet to pick up the story of our pledge to the Rebellion soon and from there we can only assume the Imperials at Recath will strike us here. We must be prepared. Defend this post and we defend our liberty." The being paused, letting the intensity of his words sink in, and after it did, a roar of cheers erupted in the room the likes of which I had never heard.

A few moments later I was introduced to Graven Su'cram. I had never seen skin the brownish-red tone of his, with eyes to match. Graven was the most intense and complicated being I had ever met and likes of which I have not met since. On one hand, he was a dedicated revolutionary. He was determined to revive the Old Republic including reinstating the senate and again placing Jedi as keepers of the peace. On the other hand, he had an intense idealism, believing that short of the Emperor, the destruction of any being for any reason other than being absolutely necessary was uncalled for. He was extremely modest, a reluctant leader, and would never refer to himself as a hero.

I was placed as combat medic of a regiment of 50, all Twi'leks, and led by Graven Su'cram. Assigned, as my defense, was a tiny Twi'lek female called Gomet. In her armor, Gomet looked like a child playing dress-up, but she was a fearless warrior. I was given enough Stimpack A and bacta patches, I calculated, to support my regiment for at least a few hours. We were told to be on alert and ready to fight at any time.

If I have learned anything about war fighting for the Rebellion, it is that war is a lot of "hurry up and wait," and that is exactly what we did. My regiment remained together in the second catacomb of the great cave. Gomet and I sat together in the cave, the walls shimmering faintly with glimmeryl. We exchanged stories of our lives. She was the daughter of miners, and spent her whole life on Ryloth. When her brother was lost fighting in the core region, Gomet officially joined the Rebellion. She had just finished her combat training, and this was her first campaign. One night, two twilights into the wait, neither Gomet nor I could sleep, so we were up talking.

"I hope someday to fall in love," Gomet was saying, "but I don't see how it could possibly happen during the war."

I allowed myself a smile at the memory of Rieke…his sapphire eyes, his kind heart, our talks, being with him. "I wouldn't be so sure," I told Gomet, "it might."

"What might?" I heard in a baritone. I had become familiar over the past few twilight cycles with the voice of Graven Su'cram.

I looked over to Gomet with a small smile, "Well, Sir, we were just discussing the culture of war, and it's…uh…impact on personal relationships."

"Well," he responded, taking a seat on the ground next to me, "War certainly does have an impact on personal relationships," he turned to me, and lowered his voice slightly, "and please don't call me 'Sir.'"

Eventually, Gomet was able to drift off, but Graven and I stayed up late into the night, which reminded me of the nights Rieke and I had spent talking. Eventually the topic came around to that of the Old Republic.

"But don't you think," I said, preparing to use the argument of another, "that the inability to change, the acceptance of the status quo, was the downfall of the Old Republic?"

"I do not argue that there were flaws in the system," Gravon replied, "but I do think the basis of the system was pure and democratic, and that has been lost. The essence of the purely democratic society cannot compete with the purely dictatorial without stooping to that level. There is a delicate balance, and the Emperor was able to upset that balance while allowing the senate to believe they were maintaining it. I would not even be surprised if we didn't see the complete disintegration of the senate in the coming standard months."

I listened to him intently, deep in thought.

"And as for the Jedi…" he continued.

"What about the Jedi?" I snapped, perhaps a little too defensively.

Gravon smiled. "I know about your cousin, and I am not at all critical of the Knights of the Old Republic. They were tricked like everyone else. And they were deceived by one of their own. Treachery is the worst type of evil. At the end of it all, he continued, it is simply the ebb and flow of the light. I believe it is the job of the New Jedi Order to reinvent itself…to make this ebb season of the light as short as possible. And it is our job as warriors to assist in that.

I had never before thought of my own place in the Rebellion like that before. My heart ached again for Rieke.

"My wife and I fought side by side for the Rebellion," he told me in Ryl. "Then, in its earliest stages it was very unorganized, you must understand. We held a very small outpost on Dantooine, and there were only several hundred commandos and fifteen or so Jedi. Then came the victory at the Battle of Yavin, and our troops doubled. Beings came from all over the galaxy. But somehow the Empire discovered our outpost and there was a battle…It was on Dantooine that I lost her," he finished in Lekku, "and on Dantooine that I left her." Gravon's eyes misted over and he looked away. Tears rolled down my own cheeks. That sense of loss must be unbearable. I thought of Rieke, and the pain our separation had caused, but I still held out hope that I would see him again. Gravon knew he would never see his wife again. I stood up and walked to him, then kneeled beside him. I wiped tears away from my own cheeks, and then laid a hand to his face. He laid his hand atop mine and drew me close. Eyes locked on mine, his lips touched mine in a gentle and sorrowful kiss.

When I finally drifted off that night I dreamed of Rieke. It started out as a wonderful dream, he was kissing me, gently at first, then deeper, harder, more desperate. His tongue probed my mouth, searching for something, his hands touched my body, but not the gentle giving caress of the lover I knew, but rough, hard, and greedy. The dream changed then, it was night, and I was standing, watching him fight. He used his single-bladed lightsaber, its sapphire energy glowing as he used an offensive posture battling an invisible enemy. Suddenly, Rieke got the upper hand, and I could see the face of his enemy in the cobalt glow of his lightsaber, and the face was my own.

I was awakened by the sound of excited shouts, and beings moving about. I opened my eyes, and saw my regiment preparing for battle. I looked around…Graven was nowhere to be seen, but I saw grave determination in Gomet's eyes before her face was obscured by her helmet. I pulled on my own heat-resistant helmet, as the regiment started to make its way out of the cave.

Ryloth is a planet with what could be considered a harsh atmosphere. Most Twi'leks know no different and neither did I until I experienced the relative ease of living on Naboo, or even Tatooine. On Ryloth we have periods of what we call The Twilight that lasts about three standard hours. Between the twilights are searing heat storms generated by the day, and an ice-cold night. Hence the reason Twi'leks live in underground caves…we would not be able to survive the temperature fluctuation that occurs on our own home planet in a period of one standard day.

Although we knew the Stormtroopers had heat and cold resistant armor, Gravon calculated it would make most sense if the Imperials attacked during The Twilight, and he was right. As we emerged from the cave, those without blast shields squinted at the light. I heard the crackling of the comm inside my helmet, and then a message that the intelligence had gathered that there were about 150 Stormtroopers to our 300 Rebel Twi'leks. I smirked inside my helmet. A mere skirmish. The Imperials did not expect to regain Ryloth, only make an example of the Twi'leks. It was likely if we did not win this battle this day that the males would be executed and the females taken as slaves. I shook my head, as if trying to shake these thoughts away…I was thinking too much.

The terrain where the fighting occurred was difficult, even for the Stormtroopers. Near the entrance to the caves is a series of very steep and rocky hills. My regiment spread out across a span of about 50 meters. I was kept busy following the sound of a call for a medic in my helmet, and Gomet remained faithfully by my side, and not once did I even have time to draw my Field Surgeon's Pistol. From a medical perspective, I did not encounter anything I had not seen before. Blaster burns healed quickly with the application of a bacta patch, more serious injuries could be overcome with a jab from a Stimpack A injection. If a being was shot, and not instantly killed, they had good odds for survival if I was nearby.

The three hours of the twilight passed for me as if a blur. The Twi'leks knew, and we could only assume the Imperials did too, that soon the battle would end with the impending heat storm. We knew that our only hope for victory would be to wear the Stormtroopers down to a number that made it not worth their while to return for a second battle.

The temperature gradually increased as the moments ticked by, and the firing continued. Shouldn't the Imperials begin a retreat by now? But the firing got heavier. The Twi'leks had moved almost toward the cave opening, and the heavy fire continued, almost as if it was a final effort. "Medic!" I heard called into my helmet, and I moved toward the signal. Two males were injured and hemmed in against a stone wall near the cave entrance. The firing was heavy, but Gomet kept us well covered as I injected a stimpack into each of the males. I noted that I only had one stimpack left, and no bacta patches. I hoped the retreat would happen soon.

For the first time that day I drew my pistol, firing into the general direction from which the heaviest blaster fire was coming. Gomet fired furiously, but there was no break in the return fire. Suddenly, through the smoke and ever-increasing heat I heard a shrill scream. It was Gomet. Before she could even call for help, I was at her side. Her pulse was weak, she had caught a blaster bolt in the shoulder, which had circumvented her armor, and evidently damaged an artery. She was losing blood at an alarming rate. I put pressure on the wound, and was able to stop the bleeding, but she had lost too much blood, and lost consciousness.

Unbelievably, the enemy blaster fire continued, as did the increase in temperature. I had to choose between returning the fire and tending to Gomet, but I knew in my heart neither choice was a good one. I continued to fire as I cried out in anger and frustration, realizing I had little chance for escape. I gritted my teeth…I would die fighting! Suddenly, as if out of no where, Graven was at my side. He was able to produce enough cover fire for me to holster my pistol and kneel again at Gomet's side.

I jabbed my final stimpack into Gomet's thigh, and it only took a moment for me to again feel a pulse at her neck. I allowed myself to finally take a breath, and then was able to heave the tiny Twi'lek across my shoulders. As I did I yelled over the blaster fire to Gravon, "Let's move out!" I turned to head back into the cave, assuming I would be following Gravon, only to discover, in horror, that he had fallen.

I entered the cave, and gently laid down Gomet, then back out into the heat. I collapsed onto my knees at Gravon's side, and laid my hand on the side of his neck, feeling little more than a weak rhythm. "No…" I cried in Ryl. He had been hit squarely in the chest by a plasma bolt, which had penetrated his armor. Even if I had another stimpack, it would have done no good. He turned his eyes to mine, their light fading. "Dantooine," he said in lekku, and then the light went out for good.

The Battle for Ryloth was considered a Rebel victory, as the remaining Stormtroopers retreated to their orbiting cruiser, not to return. We knew it was a small victory, considering the lack of importance the Ryloth system was to the Emperor, being in the far outer reaches, and being occupied by an "alien species," but to us it didn't matter. We had successfully defended our home planet, but certainly not without cost. Nothing in war is without cost, I thought bitterly.

All told, I had been away from the core for almost thirty standard days. It was time for me to return to what was left of my life, and hopefully return to Rieke. But my first order of business would have to be an errand for a friend.

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 9, Selona, 3 ABY**

My return to Naboo had no fanfare, no welcome. It was late night when I set my ship down in Keren. When I stepped out of the starport, the fresh, clean air on Naboo hit me like a wall... I suddenly felt healthy and alive; my head was clear and without pain. Perhaps the treatment I received on Polis Massa was helping. I had not had a headache since I had left the core.

I arrived at my house to find nothing had changed. Within moments, though, I received a comm from Ve-tus. Even administrative rights had not allowed him to move my house, so he came over and helped me do it. It was nice to see him, it had been many standard weeks. He looked different, and I was surprised to find he had returned to the Jedi profession, though I would doubt he would consider himself part of the "Jedi Order."

Evidently much had changed in the town since I'd been gone. Midus Pierce was voted mayor. Most interestingly, Midus and Ve-tus put up the most wonderful Cantina, Ve-tus took me to see it. Shortly thereafter Midus showed up, and then a young Padawan called Abscencito.

I felt so at home and welcomed among these beings. Just as I was thinking it was time for me to make a decision to ally myself with this guild, Ve-tus asked the question... had I thought more about joining the guild, and I said yes, I would. He was VERY pleased. So, I left Order of the Jedi, which had really been nothing but a source of irritation. The only guild member who had EVER spoken to me was Pius, and I am sure he will understand. I am now a member of The Guardians, and it seems to me I feel one step closer to being at home.

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 10, Selona, 3 ABY**

Midus has to be one of my favorite humans. Maybe it's his blue hair, but he just makes me giddy. He is hilarious, an un-ending flirt ("until the day I die"), and hanging with him is a boon to my self-esteem. He is an engineer by trade... structures, droids, ship components, furniture.

Like I said, he is a human male, aged about 25 standard years, he has a twin brother, Codri, and they were born on Rori. He has a shop on Tattooine near Mos Eisley where he works, and has a partner, though I have never met him and cannot remember his name, as it is very foreign. Sounds Ithorian.

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 10, Selona, 3 ABY**

What a complicated being Ve-tus Animo is...

When we first met he was a commando, having changed professions from Jedi, then back to Jedi because he "missed his lightsaber." He's so funny, he said now that he was a Jedi again he missed his armor. And every time I see him he has different hair. "Trouble with commitment?" I asked. "You could say that," he laughed in reply.

He is very kind, a talented warrior, strong leader and compassionate counselor. He is very dedicated to making the city, Atica, a great place. From what I hear, he is also a stellar pilot, and I hope to learn a lot from him.

**  
Mos Eisley, Tatooine  
****Day 10, Selona, 3 ABY**

Shortly after my return, I decided to work on some piloting. If I am going to fly with The Guardians, I've got to get better, and at least qualify for level 2 ship components. I was in Mos Eisley managing my ship, when I noticed an Ithorian hanging out in the spaceport. He's called Alihabin, and he waved at me, being a member of The Guardians as well. When I saw him the second time, I realized who he was... Midus's partner at the shop, so I stopped to speak to him. He has a lovely twang to his accent, and called me "mate." I've never spoken to an Ithorian before, perhaps it's their homeworld accent. He referred to himself as the "guild shipwright" and I referred to myself as the "guild medic" and "resident female."

As I was speaking to Alihabin, I looked over to see Rieke sitting in a chair. He is unbelievable. I bid farewell to the Ithorian and approached him. I was trembling at the sight of him. But there was no hug, no kiss, simply a "I am glad you are back and safe." My mind raced... had he stopped loving me, had he moved on, was he angry I had left, hurt I didn't seek him out right away? I knew then and there, though, I did not have the energy to start over with him. I know that sounds terrible, but he was the only reason I came back, but so many things had changed in the days since I had returned.

He apparently has many things weighing on his mind... his guild is falling apart. He cannot find a master. The master he had hoped to guide him turned Imperial, which clearly hurt him. And he lost his ship on Kashyyyk. I felt so helpless, and so wrapped up in my own feelings. I wanted to hold him and kiss him and make love to him make everything better for him. I knew I couldn't, my own fears stood in the way. We bid each other farewell with a promise to meet later.

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 10, Selona, 3 ABY**

Rieke and I did meet later than night, in Atica, and there still was a strange air and I said so. He apologized that his concerns were weighing on him, and that is was effecting me. I told him about The Guardians, and he said the problems of his guild had caused him to consider "finding a new home." Would he consider The Guardians? I mentioned to him casually that I was considering putting up a larger house. He proposed that he go halves with me if I "let him keep some stuff there." After our less than romantic reunion, I was absolutely shocked to discover these were his thoughts. He said he felt he needed to move on from Tattoine. I told him that, other than the droid, I loved the Tattoine house, we had many memories there. He suggested he keep it as a vacation house, and we joked about the relaxing qualities of the Bantha and the Sarlacc.

Just then I got a comm from Codri, Midus's twin brother, a musician. He was in the city, and I asked him to meet me in the Cantina... I wanted Rieke to meet him. Before long Ve-tus showed up, too, and while I chatted with him, and watched Codri playing some instrument, Ve-tus and Rieke chatted. I tried not to listen, as I feel Rieke needs to follow his own path, but I know, deep in my lekku, that to combine the two most important things in my life... Rieke and The Guardians would mean more happiness to me than I could imagine.

Later, when Rieke and I were finally alone in my house, I broke down and asked him for a kiss. Perhaps he was feeling just as insecure about our standing. Without any hesitation, he kissed me... he has such a control over me... not just the desire I feel for him, but something deeper, like even if we had to be apart, we would still be connected. Perhaps that is true love.

**  
Moenia, Naboo  
****Day 12, Selona, 3 ABY**

One day, before I went to Ryloth, I was hanging around outside the spaceport in Mos Eisley and met a lovely young Jedi, human female, called Cries-at-the-Rain. We struck up a friendship, and started spending some time together, as I feel I have been lacking in female companionship.

One night she met me on Tattooine, because I needed to pick up some things at Rieke's house. I asked her how she had gotten on with Pius (with a wink) and she told me he was nice but she was taken. It came out in conversation she is in love with a beautiful female Twi'lek called Wi'Oce that she had met the same day she had met me in Mos Eisley.

By very strange coincidence, or perhaps will of the Force, the very next day, in the cloning facility in Moenia, I saw Wi'oce. I spoke to her and she did not respond so I sent Cries a message. While Cries was on her way, I was able to speak a bit to Wi'oce, but she acted very strangely, as if she didn't even know Cries. When Cries arrived, Wi'oce ran away! As you would assume, Cries was crushed.

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 14, Selona, 3 ABY**

Rieke and I continued to discuss the possibilities of putting up a house together. We even toured some of the large vacant homes in Atica to see which one we liked. As I was out and about in the galaxy, I started checking the bazaars for a deed, but come up dry. Rieke and I figured between the two of us (well, mostly him) we had about 1.5 million credits to spend.

I casually mentioned to my friend Midus Pierce that I was looking for a deed, and, believe it or not, he found one for me on Rori. He is a trader and a crafter and knows all the great vendor spots in the galaxy. Within hours I had the deed in hand (only 120k credits), and Midus had shown me the recommended lot. It's on the beach, in the far west of Atica. Unfortunately, it is very near those noisy fambaa, but it sort of harkens to Rieke and my time together on Tatooine with the noisy bantha, so I don't really mind all that much.

Late that afternoon I was able to lure Rieke to Naboo. I had him meet me in the center of our lot, and presented him with the deed. He is so hard to read sometimes, but I do think he was pleased. He put up the house, and called it "Rieke and A-Hiqa's Waterfront Wonder."

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 14, Selona, 3 ABY**

When I returned later that evening to the house, I saw that in my absence Rieke had installed a droid detection device at the entrance to our home. He is so thoughtful!

**  
Liberty City, Corellia  
****Day 15, Selona, 3 ABY**

For a few days now, I have been getting comm messages from a being called Isshyybukk. I finally decided to comm this being back and ask who he is. He said he was my best friend, that he was a Wookiee. Well, I don't recall knowing any Wookiees. I was able to locate him on Corellia. I knew, also, that Marltee was on Corellia, so I asked him to go check him out. This being was indeed a Wookiee. Marltee was very polite, telling Isshyybukk that he was there to ask his business with me. Isshyybukk got more and more rude with Marltee, and finally became threatening. He actually followed Marltee to the shuttleport and used very foul language.

I am very ashamed to say that when Marltee reported back to me what happened, I got very angry. My head began to hurt for the first time since my return to the core. Then Isshyybukk sent me a message and used very offensive language. I must admit I do have a bit of a fiery temper, and a few beings I know have even experienced its wrath. In a fit of anger, I decided to go after this Wookiee myself. As I was making preparations to leave, I asked Wi'oce, with whom I have been conversing regularly, to meet me there.

The Wookiee was in a Rebel city on Corellia called Liberty City. He was easy to find. When we were finally face-to-face I still did not recognize him. I made small talk with him until Wi'oce arrived. Then I told him Wi'oce would kill him now for using bad language with me. It did not take long for us to realize Isshyybukk is one of the most unfortunate types of enemy, a powerful coward with little moral value. Wi'oce kept insisting I leave, and I refused. Even though Isshyybukk and Wi'oce were evenly matched, the Wookiee refused to fight, and kept threatening to get his warrior friend. He got increasingly more offensive with us, as well. Without even knowing what I was doing, I begged Wi'oce to take him out.

At last I realized why Wi'oce was holding back. She asked him for money... a true bounty hunter at heart. I said 500k, and just as he was about to accept, she upped it to 900k, and he laughed at us. My anger was fading, I had not accomplished a single thing I had set out to do that day, and I was tired and my head hurt, so we left.

The next time I see Ve-tus I shall ask him about this guild to which Isshyybukk belongs. Isshyybukk the Wookiee certainly does not conduct himself as a Jedi.

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 17, Selona, 3 ABY**

On my way back to Naboo, I got a message from Rieke asking me to come to Tattooine. He wanted to show me the Jedi Temple there. I know what he is doing, and he is wonderful. I had been complaining to him how little I knew about his life, and rather than giving me lip service, he's doing something about it. He is an incredible being, attentive without smothering, kind, generous, he listens to me, he's thoughtful... I could go on. I just have no idea how I could ever give back to him. What could I possibly do for him?

I was still chatting via comm with Wi'oce as I traveled to Tatooine, and invited her to come meet Rieke. I was certain when he saw her he would think she was beautiful. On her way there she asked me via comm if I knew where she could get a wedding ring. I referred her to Charm's shop on Naboo and she found what she was looking for. She said she had "died and gone to heaven" there.

When Wi'oce arrived, Rieke was cordial, as he is to all beings, and I couldn't really get a read on what he was really thinking.

It occurs to me now, that I have never seen Rieke angry, ever. I have never seen him jealous, or insecure. Maybe at most a little tired. The only true passion I have ever seen him express is when me makes love to me. Is this part of Rieke's personality or part of his Jedi training? Being the consummate Jedi, I believe it is probably something he has had to train himself to be. I have even seen Ve-tus get very angry at the Imperials.

After Wi'oce left, I learned Rieke was on Tattooine to pack up his house. He seems to be taking everything with him. I have to admit I am excited, but frightened. I can't help but feel this to be just one more thing he's giving up for me. Why can't I shake the feeling that he is too good for me, that I don't deserve him? He is too good, and I am terribly flawed: impatient, overly passionate, quick-tempered, flirtatious, dark and fatalistic.

Let me use Ve-tus as an example. I don't love him I'm not even attracted to him, but for some reason I can be at ease around him. I know he has flaws (his temper, his indecision, moodiness) and it is because of that I feel more as his equal. It's almost like a house. You can go into a beautifully-appointed, spotless home, and appreciate its beauty, but not live there. You would be more comfortable in a home with furniture that is a little threadbare, carpets a little worn. But why?

Now that I have worked myself up into a good panic, I am at a loss for what is to be done. I cannot leave him, as I know that would certainly break his heart, and I will not hurt him. I just have to trust him. Trust what he says to be true. Trust when he says he loves me just the way I am. Trust that he wants to be where he is. He has never lied to me (hid his feelings maybe) but never lied. Why can't I just let myself be happy?

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 17, Selona, 3 ABY**

I awoke in our house this morning, alone. Rieke was already gone. I walked out onto the balcony, and looked out to the sea. I took a deep breath of the clean Naboo air to try to clear my mind, but this time it didn't work, and I started to panic.

My head hurt worse than it ever had before. The tugging and pressure made thinking and functioning almost unbearable. I took another breath, this one became a sigh, and turned to go downstairs. I had two goals for the day, and time was running out.

**  
Gungan Camp, Near Kaadara, Naboo  
****Day 17, Selona, 3 ABY**

I don't like to leave a job unfinished. I rode my speeder bike back to the Gungan leader, Boss Nass. He had a few other tasks for me to complete before I was able to obtain the schoastic chip from a battle droid. It's curious how easy combat can be if the fear of death is not a factor. Finally I returned to Theed Palace, having obtained everything I needed to complete the quest. One final trip back to Kaadara, and I was able to complete goal number one for the day…I received the Medal of Bothawui... my legacy was complete. I smirked at the irony of the day, as I placed the red necklace around my neck, emblazoned with the crest of the Rebel Alliance.

**  
Near Zilk Brotherhood, Lok  
****Day 17, Selona, 3 ABY**

From Kaadara I got a ticket to Lok. I knew of a loot dealer who would have what I was looking for, and it was not long before I was able to obtain it. I was surprised at the price, only 2500 credits, but no matter, credits were of no significance.

I was distracted by my own thoughts, and accidentally followed the wrong waypoint while on Lok, and found myself in Elkabon Speedhealer's home. I knew now I would never see Elkabon again, and felt a pang of regret.

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 17, Selona, 3 ABY**

When I returned home, Rieke was there, arranging his weapon room in the lower level. Seeing him made me realize the true meaning of regret. I have no doubt that I love him, but that is an unfortunate consequence in the bigger picture. I simply knew I could no longer pretend to be something I am not. I could no longer pretend the life I had with Rieke was the real life, and ignore the inky cloud that crouched in the background, around every corner, in my very head, my very lekku, the reminder of my true place.

I presented Rieke with the gift that had been inexplicably easy for me to find, yet few Jedi are able to obtain, the pearl of a krayt dragon. "They make the best lightsaber crystals," he had told me once. "Imagine that," I had replied, "from the gut of a lizard."

I suggested we leave the house, and he try out his lightsaber on some fambaa, the creatures, which, being as large as our house, their simple footsteps could wake a being from a deep slumber. None were to be found. He suggested we head to Theed, perhaps we could find an Imperial Stormtrooper to test it out on. We would go to Theed, but I knew as well as I knew anything, that we would end up in Mos Eisley that night.

**  
Mos Eisley, Tatooine  
****Day 17, Selona, 3 ABY**

We took Rieke's Y-Wing directly to Mos Eisley from Theed. In past standard months I have often been drawn to the square outside the spaceport. The black cloud I know so well tends to settle in this spot like a low-lying fog, and this night was no different. As though by design, there was a convergence of the many players in my little drama in Mos Eisley that night. Rieke, of course, and Wi'oce, who had been wandering in the desert. Soon arrived Apiele, the Jedi Master of The Guardians who was the potential master for Rieke. I felt a small bit of satisfaction introducing the two. Soon came Ve-tus as well. One unexpected appearance was by Commlink, the Zabrak who had helped Elkabon and I get into OotJ what seemed like a lifetime ago. Unexpected news from an unexpected source: my friend, Pius, had turned Imperial, and taken several members of OotJ with him.

As I stood there, surrounded by these beings, I was not surprised to feel the dark cloud grow thicker, denser, more focused, then take human form next to me. Marltee. My head hurt, and I felt what seemed like a madness creep into my very soul.

A few moments later, Ve-tus and Apiele decided to go flying, and asked me to go along. I looked around. Suddenly, I was afraid. I was afraid of what I would become. Afraid I would miss all that I had gained, no matter how false. Afraid I was only choosing the easy way out. The black cloud around Marltee swirled and spun. I became dizzy and confused. I looked to Rieke, who had changed into his traditional ceremonial Zabrak garb, and again felt that pang of regret. Suddenly, without thinking, I unholstered my sidearm, and brandished it in Marltee's direction. There was a twinkle in his eye as his green blade came to life.

Beings in the square casually moved aside. A duel outside the spaceport in Mos Eisley occurred every few minutes. No one knew the scope and significance of this particular duel, however. My own mind did not control my actions. It was destiny, it was truth. It was hope for all beings in the galaxy that there may be an end to the struggle, an end to the war. I felt hope for my future. The house in Atica flashed through my mind, a wedding gown, Rieke's smile.

Marltee swung his lightsaber furiously in my direction. I simply backed away, and took shots with my pistol. Several of my shots landed, but most were deflected by what I can only assume was the Force, as Jedi wear no armor. When I had backed as far as I could, I bolted to the left, past the entrance to the spaceport, and around the rear of a market terminal. I was quicker and more nimble than the large Jedi, but he approached with tremendous speed. Back in the center of the square, my retreat had given me just enough time to take careful aim, and deliver one shot directly to the chest of Marltee.

The duel stopped as suddenly as it had started. Panting, I dropped my sidearm back into the holster, and clawed furiously at my helmet, and was finally able to remove it. I'm sure it wasn't, but it seemed silent in the square, and I didn't even hear my own footsteps as I approached Marltee's lifeless body.

Sweat dripped from my forehead onto the ground, and then a drop of blood. I looked down, and in my haste to remove my helmet, I had clipped off the tip of my tchin, my right lekku. "So much for my beauty," I thought sarcastically. On my homeworld, disfigured females were destroyed.

I had hardly finished this thought, when Marltee jumped to his feet, he had only been incapacitated! As if in slow motion, my helmet crashed to the ground and I again donned my weapon, but this time I was one beat behind Marltee, and he got the better of me. In a matter of moments I was incapacitated. As I lay there, I could only chuckle to myself. What a fool to have hope, no matter how brief. There was no good, there was no evil. I had only met one Jedi I didn't despise, and met only one Sith, and pitted against one another, they were really the same. They simply used different terminology.

I could not even make it up to my feet again before Marltee took his saber in both hands, and, raising his arms far above his head, he dealt the powerful deathblow.

"Die, bitch" he cackled, clearly amused, and that was the last thing I heard before I faded to black.

I awoke a few minutes later in the Mos Eisley cloning facility. As much as my body was immobilized, my mind raced.

I suddenly recalled back to my childhood, right after my father died, when Marltee's family, slave traders, had come to Ryloth. Being of the ruling clan, I was exempt from sale, but my family hosted Marltee's and we spend much time together over those weeks. In my grief over my loss, he was a father figure who seemed to have all the answers. He spoke of the tyranny of the Republic, and how a new regime would offer peace and freedom in the galaxy. He even convinced me that my cousin, a Jedi, had been tricked into serving the Republic, and showed me the self-serving and pompous ways of the Jedi Order.

When I first left Ryloth, those standard months ago, I did so with what I thought was an open mind. The Empire had taken over the galaxy by that time, and I considered myself an unbiased political and social observer. Being so removed on Ryloth, I had never, however, been exposed to the tyranny that had become a mainstay in the galaxy, and capture by the Imperials was a rude awakening. Their harsh treatment of seemingly innocent beings seemed excessive. These were beings who had been conquered, what was the point of terrorizing them?

Having been offered a means to escape, I jumped at it, if only to see if there was anything on Tattooine that would bring clarity to my torn mind. The thing that brought what I thought to be clarity came in the form of a beautiful Zabrak Jedi… Rieke. His goodness as a being was intoxicating, his love and kindness to me was addictive, like spice from Naboo. The more I received, the more I needed.

How could have been so blind? How could I have forgotten? Wasn't I stronger than this? Wasn't I better than this? The dark cloud that had been burrowing itself into my brain, slowly tugging at me, slowly terrorizing me, actually came in human form… Marltee.

But the time would come for me to choose, and that time was tonight. I was not surprised. As distracted I was by bliss, I had known, deep in my lekku, that this day would come, and I would have to realize my destiny. That is why my headaches did not improve, and that is why Marltee had appeared in Mos Eisley. That is why Marltee had to kill me.

I had tried to be Good. I had failed. No being can deny their true destiny. The unfortunate circumstance was that I had hurt others along the way. I knew that discovering the truth about the being to which he had given his heart, body and soul may destroy Rieke, but I did not have the strength to deal the deathblow myself. Call it cowardly, but I decided then and there, laying in the cloning facility, that the choice I would make would be not to choose.

I slowly got to my feet, and limped out of the cloning chamber. With no hesitation, I walked to the data terminal, placed my eye up for the retinal scan, punched in my password, and deleted my DNA profile from the databank.

When I walked out of the cloning facility, clone-sick and in shock, I almost bumped into Rieke, who had come to find me. He asked if he should take out a bounty on Marltee, leave the Order and become a Bounty Hunter himself, or just hold me. Everything now seemed ridiculous. Ve-tus commed… "Are you coming babe?" I felt tears well up in my eyes. Ve-tus would be alright, I knew. He had already seen the worst of what the galaxy had to offer. I stood there for a moment in shock, staring at a dancer who performed in the square, then turned to Rieke and said "Let's just go home."

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 17, Selona, 3 ABY**

I arrived home before Rieke, and decided to go swimming in the sea. I removed my armor and my clothing and dove into the cool, salty water. I considered for a moment swimming north into the sea until I could swim no more, but the thought of not touching Rieke again, or kissing him once more, was unbearable. I swam until my heart throbbed in my chest, then dog-paddled in place for a moment, caught my breath, and headed back to shore.

I emerged from the sea, shivering and exhausted. I stood on the shore for a moment, naked in the darkness, suddenly afraid, suddenly more alone than I had ever been in my life, tears streaming down my face. The breeze picked up, my head pounded, I felt as though I could not take another moment of the pain. Then, out of the darkness, emerged my beautiful Zabrak, the hero of my life. I collapsed into his arms, sobbing. My lekku hummed "rescue me, rescue me." Rieke said nothing, simply removed his cloak, and wrapped it around my body, holding me in his arms. The cloak offered more warmth to me than any fabric could have provided.

Rieke lifted me in his strong arms and carried me into the house. In the living room, in the dim, flickering light from the 'Restuss' candle, we were kissing before he even set me down. He kissed the tears away from my face, he kissed my injured tchin, my neck, my shoulders. He slid his hands, so strong, yet so gentle, under the cloak and caressed my nude body, leaving a trail of warmth where they had been.

I took his face into my hands, and looked into his eyes, sadly, silently begging for forgiveness that I knew would never come. I had brought him nothing but sorrow and confusion. Sadly, I would leave him nothing but pain and anguish. I kissed his mouth, hard and deep. Then, never taking my eyes from his, I slowly removed his shirt. I unclipped his belt, careful to lower his lightsaber gently to the floor, then helped him out of his kilt, and he removed his boots. Slowly, eyes still locked to his, I removed the cloak, and we stood there, facing one another, completely exposed.

The house was still in disarray from moving in, and there was little furniture in the room. However, on the floor was a rug, bearing the Rebel insignia that Wi'oce had given us as a housewarming gift. Rieke lowered me to the rug, and gently and systematically made contact with every inch of my body. The pleasure was so extreme it was almost painful. I breathed him in, his scent, spicy, salty, clean.

He made love to me, painfully slowly at first, gently exploring, taunting me with the anticipation of something else, something just out of reach. Gradually his passion heightened, he was demanding more, I was demanding more. My hands pulled his hips closer, because close wasn't close enough. Tears welled up in my eyes again, and I closed them, wanting to shut out everything in the world, all senses, all feelings except Rieke inside of me.

Together we rode the wave of passion to its crest. When the wave subsided, I felt a warm drop on my cheek, and I opened my eyes to Rieke's tears. He collapsed down beside me, and we covered with his cloak. I wiped his tears away, and traced the tattoos on his face with my finger, as he fell off to sleep.

**  
Atica, Naboo  
****Day 18, Selona, 3 ABY**

The following morning, for the first time since we had been together, I awoke before Rieke. I'm not even sure I slept at all. I quietly dressed in my Guardian flightsuit, and placed my lekku Noble Crest upon my head. Then I placed the emerald necklace, the gift from Rieke, around my neck.

Like I said, I don't like to leave a job unfinished, and I had one more task to complete in this galaxy. I went to the lower level and retrieved the Royal Honey pot I had transported from Ryloth, intending to keep my promise of reuniting Gravon with his wife on Dantooine.

I went back upstairs to the bedroom, and sat on the edge of the bed, next to Rieke's slumbering form. I loved every inch of him…his blue tattoos, his smile, his body, his crystal-blue eyes. I leaned over and placed one gentle kiss on the tiny horn that I love so much in the center of his forehead. It broke my heart to tear myself away from him, but fortunately my mind is stronger than my heart.

Love is ridiculous, love makes a being weak. The Knights of the Old Republic were right, I had been right, Rieke had been right in the beginning. Love is a drink best not even tasted, for it only leaves one wanting more, never to be satisfied.

**  
Atica, Naboo to Dantooine Wilderness  
****Day 17, Selona, 3 ABY**

Instead of instant transport, I decided to take the long way to Keren across the Naboo countryside, all the while the dark cloud in pursuit. Once at Keren starport, I took my Y-Wing to the mining outpost on Dantooine. The location I was looking for was easy to find in the north. It was a beautiful afternoon on Dantooine, and the location picturesque, green grass rippling in the breeze, and the prolific purple flowers all around. I stood at the top of a deep crevice, prepared to commit my final act of duty and kindness before my final act of supreme selfishness.

The dark cloud of pain had followed me from Naboo, growing closer and darker, and now arranged itself in my very head – time is running out. The headache, always present, intensified until I thought my head would explode. My lekku wriggled and squirmed as if trying to escape the inevitable as I stared to the valley floor many meters below. I took the honey pot from my pack. Tears welled in my eyes and overflowed. I held my arm out in front of me, let the honey pot slide from my fingers, and watched as it seemed to float in the air for a moment, in slow motion, before gravity took hold and it crashed to the valley floor. There was a faint burst of dust as Gravon's remains scattered and came to rest on the valley floor. This will not take any effort…it is life that takes effort, and even more the effort when true happiness has been attained. Effort to find it, effort to keep it, effort to keep the dark cloud at bay, effort to protect those you love from pain. No, this will not take effort at all…just a letting go…

--- END JOURNAL ----

**A-Hiqa Apew 16BBY - 3ABY  
**  
Twi'lek A-Hiqa Apew died this morning on Dantooine of her own hand, after removing her DNA profile from the cloning facility in Mos Eisley, Tatooine several nights ago. She left all of her belongings in the house on Naboo she shared with her lover, Rieke Kemo.

In a journal found on her person, A-Hiqa explained her reason as not wanting to choose between the evil which she considered her destiny, and the good she had found in the love of Rieke and the good friends she had met.

The last to see her alive, musician Codri Pierce told Imperial and Dantooine authorities that A-Hiqa had met with him briefly on Naboo to execute a bank transfer of approximately 500,000 credits with a request that it be passed on to Kemo.

Apew is survived by a clan of approximately 150 in the Ryloth system, lover Rieke Kemo, friends Midus and Codri Pierce, Ve-tus Animo, Wi'oce and Cries-at-the-Rain. She will be missed by all who knew her.


End file.
